So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
