the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
