i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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