His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
