Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
