i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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