So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
