i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
