Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
