My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My bed smells like the plague
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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