in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You're like the curious george of whores
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
being pregnant is like rehab
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
