there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
