since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
