This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
