I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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