So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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