my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
