It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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