All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
