My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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