i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
