mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
