i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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