I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
