the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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