she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
