You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
