I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
