God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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