When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The beer is more important than you right now.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
