why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
