My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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