guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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