I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
