I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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