I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
