dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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