he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I am one with the molecules
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
