My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
