Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
