whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
