just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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