I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
