Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
