i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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