12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
