hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
