Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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