Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
