Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
FUCK WHALES
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