I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
